Communication and Trauma Response after Critical Incidents
/Communication and Trauma Response after Critical Incidents
Katie Bingner is a counselor in Maryland, a law enforcement spouse, and a communications coach for law enforcement couples. I just assumed that her wife worked in Maryland. I was wrong. She works in Washington, DC. That led me to ask about January 6th and come to find out, her wife was in the thick of it. What started as an interview about connection and communication in law enforcement couples ended up being a conversation about how they were both impacted by the incident on January 6th. Katie talks about how their previous struggles that almost tore them apart made them stronger as a couple. It's something that she now credits with helping them to understand what they each needed as they moved through the trauma and multiple officers' suicides as a result of the January 6th insurrection.
(02:59): Katie discusses her Law Enforcement Spouse journey.
(05:30): The most significant element of the law enforcement lifestyle that Katie had to adapt to was the demand on officers and their sacrifice.
(08:47): What January 6th was like as a law enforcement couple and how it impacted Katie’s relationship.
(13:05): “I will never forget that phrase. That's what she said, this doesn't look good.” Katie Bingner
(13:23): Establish communication rituals, regardless of how big or small, to get through critical incidents.
Katie Bingner discusses the January 6th insurrection and how the event impacted her law enforcemenT relationship.
(14:40): Sharing locations can help in knowing that your spouse is safe. “It was the difference between she's still there versus she's somewhere like a hospital.” Katie Bingner
(16:55): What communication and support were like through the recovery period of January 6th.
“That trauma lasted quite a while, but I would say the aftermath was actually harder because then we started losing officers and every single loss became just more and more.” Katie Bingner
(21:37): Katie talks about the work that was put into their relationship before the incident and how it gave them both a lot of great tools to apply to the situation and the aftermath.
(23:21): “When it comes to people who are still really entrenched in the trauma response, talking is not the cure. We've got to let their system settle and we've got to let them decompress.” Katie Bingner
(24:55): Holding space is important when dealing with trauma. It is about just being with the person and being with the feeling. It is not about trying to fix anything.
(25:50): Critical incidents are physical injuries that take time to heal and often, they leave scars.
(27:50): Katie discusses her thoughts about not being able to survive this critical incident as a couple during a different point in their relationship when they were entrenched in a pursuer-distancer dynamic and not giving the other time to process situations.
(32:29): Katie and her spouse separated, leading them to couples counseling to start working on better communication and becoming more aware of the pursuer-distancer dynamic. They learned you are more than 80% likely to get divorced within the first four to five years of marriage if the pursuer-distancer dynamic is not resolved.
(35:06): Our body attaches in a certain way due to a biological need. It's a fight or flight response. Reversing the flight or fight response allowed Katie and her spouse to move through January 6th differently. It allowed Katie's spouse to create distance, take care of herself, and honor her process. It allowed Katie to understand the importance and need for “holding space.”
(36:08): Find flexibility and a way to respect other’s needs during times of crisis.
(38:12): Tips and tricks to reconnect or stay connected as a law enforcement couple.
(40:40): Setting up rituals to stay connected, and communicating expectations and needs while having multiple plans in place sets up a collaborative team mentality.
(50:10): Reevaluate conversation during conflict.
(55:00): As part of the LGBTQ community, Katie believes that the law enforcement community can be more welcoming to same-sex couples.
“We're all human still and we all still struggle with a lot of the same communication and trust stuff, the dynamics that can either make or break a relationship. The more we can connect and normalize that and be there for each other, it winds up being supportive for all of us.”
Katie Bingner is a law enforcement spouse of seven years and is a licensed mental health therapist, educator, writer, and presenter since 2015. She loves to work with individuals and couples who need help coping with anxiety, relationships, communication issues, identity development, complex grief, and unresolved trauma. She is a member of the LGBTQ community, and she is passionate about fighting to obtain and maintain equal rights for all humans. Katie is also the mental health ambassador for Responders for Pride, a non-profit organization dedicated to offering support resources to LGBTQIA+ first responders in Maryland and beyond. Katie recently launched her Facebook group, Communication Skills for Connection, a free-resource community offering education and support for those seeking to become more effective communicators. In her free time, Katie enjoys volunteering at a local animal shelter and reading queer romance novels.