Let Family In
/Let Family In
“I just don't want to burden my spouse with what I experience on the job” is a way of protecting the people that you love. I always thought my husband was open only to find out later that this happened a few times within our relationship. Most of the time an officer's spouse and family sense that something is up. It bleeds over.
While protecting the family is noble, it is also a way that an officer can avoid talking about difficult things. Our relationships need to involve trust. Officers, trust that your spouse can handle what you are sharing, and as a spouse trust that an officer will navigate that line between sharing and traumatizing. This week, law enforcement couple Brett and Danielle Koss joined me to discuss developing a reciprocal relationship of trust and understanding.
Being a Protector and Vulnerability
As a first responder, you took an oath to protect and serve the community. This protector role can spill over into your family life and at times, make it difficult to share vulnerabilities about the career. The emotional armor that keeps you safe and protected from the traumatic events you witness on the job can be difficult to take off when you go home. It can result in shutting out your spouse and not communicating. Instead of sharing what happened while on shift, your thought patterns sound like:
“I don't want to burden my spouse.”
“I don’t want them to worry about what I've experienced.”
Hiding your work-related stress or trauma does not let your family in and keeps them in the dark, creating more harm than good. Most times, your spouse can sense when something is wrong, and conflict happens when you shut them out to protect their thoughts and feelings.
The challenge officers face is questioning whether discussing upsetting or traumatic events will impact their spouse negatively or create more fear. Sharing the impact of these events can be an essential part of connecting and maintaining a healthy relationship.
Brett and danielle koss talk about the importance of not shutting your family out from your law enfORCEMENT career.
“For a healthy relationship, I just felt it was important to have the conversation and to be open.” - Brett Koss
Foundations of a Healthy Law Enforcement Relationship
In law enforcement relationships, there needs to be a conversation about what is ok to share and not to share. It is equally important to allow space for your partner to process their experiences, yet be available when they're ready to talk, to encourage trust and intimacy. This kind of trust is built when partners believe they won't be overburdened with information and that they will be included, when necessary, details need to be shared.
“It’s what you do. Not who you are.” -Brett Koss
Being an officer is just one aspect of who you are. Effort and consideration need to be equally distributed between professional responsibilities and personal relationships. Prioritizing relationships outside of work is just as important as dedication to the job!
As a spouse, when your officer shares details about work, listen without judgment or the urge to solve problems. Providing emotional support and feedback without interrogation can encourage further openness and sharing.
Trust, communication, and support are the pillars that sustain law enforcement families through the unique challenges of the career. Cherishing every moment spent together, no matter how brief, is vital. Small gestures of appreciation can reinforce the importance of the relationship and provide comfort during challenging times. By maintaining focus on these elements, relationships can thrive, providing a foundation of stability and mutual respect.
Danielle and Brett Koss have been married 28 years. Danielle is currently a project accountant for a multi-national construction company, church youth group leader, crafter, and fitness nut.
Brett is a retired Sergeant and now works for Community Counseling Solutions in NE Oregon as a law enforcement liaison providing peer support counseling and training to law enforcement, Dispatchers, Fire/EMS, Corrections, & Probation Officers.
CCS Behavioral Health and Recovery (ccswebsite.org)
Shutting Down and Shutting Out in your Law Enforcement Relationship — Code4Couples