My friend once asked me, “Why is it that my officer can stay calm in situations at work but when he comes home, he over-reacts to the kids?” The kids get loud, and the officer parent reacts larger than what seems necessary at times. Officers have shared with me that they want to be close with their children, but their kids don’t want to open up to them. Spouses that are with the children often much of the time while their officer is at work, get exhausted and sometimes that frustration spills out. So, I started to wonder about how I could help officer’s have better relationships with their kids, understand the impact of the reactions, and help both parent’s approach those frustrating situations differently.
For these questions, I brought on Lynn McLean, LCSWS, RPTS, owner of Houston Family Therapy Associates.
Big Energy
One of the problems between children and parents in law enforcement families is “Big Energy”. Big Energy is the kind of energy that is strong enough to keep people safe in a very stressful situation in law enforcement. It takes Big Energy for officers to do what they do daily. When a parent, a caregiver, or somebody the child trusts, comes in with big energy, it can be scary! For example, bringing that type of energy into a smaller home environment with physically smaller people can be frightening and abrupt. More importantly, it just doesn’t always get the parent to where they want to get with their kid.
Every parent wants to do right by their child. To someone in law enforcement or the military, authoritarian equals safety. It equals order. It equals, “I’m going to get everybody where they need to be safely”. We would want that for our families as well. The intent is pure, but what we tend to see in kids of all ages, is that being authoritarian tends to shut people down. More rebellious kids can often come from authoritarian parents. The big energy is backfiring. It is not getting things done in the way that the parent wanted. Anytime we power over another person, they have the fight or flight, flip your lid situation. This impacts someone’s ability to hear what is being said or process through information. These responses can feel very scary.
Authority and Shame
Think about a time when you felt ashamed when someone was trying to teach you a lesson. What do you remember? Do you remember the lesson? I don’t. I remember the shame. I remember the embarrassment. I remember feeling dumb. This energy is bad for kids. It doesn’t get a parent to a place they want to be with their children. The long-term effect will be that your children do not want to go to you in certain situations. You are going to have to develop some different foundation for them to open up to you. All of this lays a foundation for years of connection with children and ways to influence them and not control them.
Assertively Speaking to Kids
Parents really want to connect, and the authoritarian style doesn’t really help them with that connection. For this, Lynn recommends using reflective responding and uses the acronym ACT to recreate a foundation.
A: Acknowledge the feeling (it can be various feelings.) Start with Empathy “You’re really mad at me.”
C: Communicate the limit. “Video time is over for today.”
T: Target an alternative that is acceptable to the parent. You can have the video game again on Saturday.”
The end result of ACT can sound like, “I know you’re really mad at me and video time is over. You’ll get another shot of the iPad during your time on Saturday.” It is simple, but it is not easy. It is a learned skill.
Be a thermostat, not a thermometer
When we lose control of ourselves, we really lose control of the situation. The thermometer just reacts along with what’s going on in the environment. It goes up or down, depending on what’s happening. The thermostat in contrast is always monitoring, always checking it out. Things heat up. Okay, we’re going to kick in. Cool it down a little bit. It’s responding and not reacting.
Our officers and first responders are trying to react and not to respond. Something happens and their fight or flight kicks in. They deal with the situation because that’s what they’re supposed to do. It’s incredibly important that at home, we are implementing the idea of a thermometer versus a thermostat. At home, we need to operate on the thermostat mode.
Screwing up the T of ACT
Don’t add choices to make your child happy. Give them one choice of something as a consequence and stick with it. Don’t cave to choices for the “T” because you see your child struggle and both of you are uncomfortable. Don’t decide on limits right away. Have a brainstorm date. Come up with what you want your limits to be and what would be acceptable alternatives to you. Think about common struggles and ways to add choices without compromising your limits. For example, your child doesn’t want to take a bath. Your limit is they are going to take a bath so the choices you give them without compromising those limits are: “You can have bubbles in your bath or a bath bomb.” The choice isn’t whether or not they are going to take a bath. It’s about what is in the bath. Have these choices in the back of your mind so you’re ready to pull them out. The more you’re prepared, the more confident you are. Be firm with your answers and create a presence. Stand a little taller. Stand with your shoulders back. Give the child nonverbal cues that you mean business in a firm but empathetic manner.
What to do if a limit doesn’t work?
Don’t just let it drift off and let the child take advantage of the limit and continue the action without explanation. You just say, “You know, I know I said, don’t do that. And I changed my mind. You’re not in trouble for that.” You don’t have to enforce a limit that isn’t going to work or isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. We are allowed to change our minds. It’s more about trying. It’s more about trying it out and enacting it. It’s not going to be perfect all the time and that’s okay. What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did. We are sure to make mistakes and how we recover from them and how we model that recovery to our children is the power. Modeling is the most powerful form of teaching.
Lynn McLean, LCSWS, RPTS: . Lynn works to support children and families at Houston Family Therapy Associates, the practice she founded in 2004. As a Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor, she provides play therapy and trains and supervises other professionals. Lynn also coaches parents in individual sessions and trains them on how to connect with their children using play therapy skills in her online, 10-week parent classes. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Supervisor.