Why Sleep Matters in First Responder Relationships

Sleep can feel like a luxury in law enforcement. Between shift work, court schedules, overtime, and home responsibilities, rest often gets pushed to the bottom of the priority list.  

But here’s the truth that people don’t frequently discuss.  Your sleep (or lack of it) impacts EVERYTHING: your mood, your health, your safety, your marriage, and even how long you’ll be around to enjoy retirement. 

Sleep psychologist and author Leah Elizabeth Kaylor breaks down the importance of sleep health for first responders. Leah’s been the go-to sleep expert for the FBI and is now sharing her insights with us, including tips on how to reset poor sleep habits, manage nightmares, and even navigate the idea of “sleep divorce” being healthy for relationships. 

What Is Sleep Hygiene, and Why Should You Care? 

Sleep isn’t just about rest, it’s about performance. Lack of sleep impacts your ability to think clearly, regulate emotions, and make fast, accurate decisions. These skills are absolutely critical for law enforcement officers.  

Leah points out that the longer you’re awake, the more your decision-making mirrors someone under the influence. Sleep deprivation can literally impair your judgment, reaction time, and ability to assess risk, all of which are essential for officer safety and public safety.  

Instead of pushing through exhaustion, start treating sleep like the high-performance tool it is. The sleep habits you build will directly impact your health, your job, and your relationships. 

Sleep hygiene is a set of habits and practices that help you get consistent, high-quality sleep. Think of it as maintenance for your body’s overnight operating system.  

At its core, sleep hygiene is about consistency, including waking up and going to bed at the same time every day, even on weekends and holidays. Sleeping-in on your days off might feel great in the moment, but it can throw your brain into a jet-lagged tailspin when you have to switch back to your shift. 

Your sleep environment matters too. Aim for a bedroom that’s dark, cool (low 60s is ideal), and quiet.  

Limit activities in your bed. “We want to create the strongest possible association between bed and sleep,” Leah Kaylor explains. That means removing anything that doesn’t belong, such as work emails, laptops, phone scrolling, or binge-watching Netflix. Leah teaches the rule of the Three S’s when it comes to what your bed is for: sleep, sex, and sickness. That’s it. Everything else becomes a distraction that conditions your brain to stay alert instead of powering down.  

Wind down with something calming, like reading or soft music.  Avoid screens at least 30 minutes before bed. Blue light, especially when it’s close to your face, mimics sunlight and keeps your brain alert when it should be winding down.  

Sleep might not be flashy, but it’s powerful. 

What If Your Sleep Gets Interrupted? 

Whether it’s kids climbing into bed, your partner’s snoring, or your mind going into overdrive at 3 a.m., waking up during the night can wreck your rest. 

Leah advises that if you’re awake for more than 15 to 20 minutes, get out of bed, go to another room, keep the lights low, and do something boring, no screens. Boring tasks can involve folding laundry, flipping through a magazine, or drawing. Once you’re sleepy again, head back to bed. It sounds inconvenient, but it helps retrain your brain to associate bed with actual sleep, rather than tossing and turning. 

Nightmares and Trauma, There’s Help 

Many first responders deal with recurring nightmares. Leah introduced us to a powerful tool called Imagery Rehearsal Therapy (IRT). IRT helps re-script nightmares into new, less distressing versions. You essentially rewrite the ending and rehearse it while awake, which can reduce the intensity and frequency of the dreams over time. 

It’s evidence-based and effective. If you’re struggling, ask your therapist about IRT. It can be life-changing. 

Sleep Divorce 

Sleep Divorce, simply defined, means sleeping separately so you both get better sleep. Sometimes, despite how much we love our partner, we need to sleep differently.  Maybe snoring is an issue.  Maybe your partner tosses and turns all night, waking you up.  Maybe schedules dictate the need to sleep differently and separately.  Sleep divorce may mean separate bedrooms, different beds in the same room, or just using separate blankets. For first responder couples dealing with shift work, snoring, CPAP machines, or different temperature needs, this isn’t a relationship failure, it’s a strategy for wellness. 

Consider the impact or disconnection sleep patterns are causing.  If one of you is waking the other up night after night, that is not helping your connection.  Prioritizing sleep can reduce resentment, improve mood, and help both of you show up more present in your relationship. 

Sleep and Law Enforcement Mental Health 

If you’re still tempted to downplay sleep, here’s your reality check: 

• Chronic sleep deprivation increases the risk of heart disease, obesity, depression, and poor decision-making. 

• Sleep is critical for emotional regulation, memory processing, and even trauma healing. 

• Lack of sleep plus hypervigilance equals a nervous system that never resets, and that’s a recipe for burnout. 

Whether you’re a first responder or the person who loves one, improving your sleep hygiene is a direct investment in law enforcement’s mental health and relationships. 

Quick Sleep Health Tips for Law Enforcement Families 

• Create a calming sleep environment: Think blackout curtains, a white noise machine, and a 65-degree room or a cool temperature that works for both of you and your budget. 

• Ditch the screens an hour before bed: Your body needs melatonin, not dopamine created by scrolling. 

• Make your bed a sleep-only zone: Limit it to the “Three S’s,” sleep, sex, and sickness. 

• Have conversations about sleep needs: Your relationship deserves honest dialogue about what each person needs to sleep well. 

• Track your habits: Notice when you feel rested. What changed? 

Sleep isn’t a luxury; it’s survival. First responders and spouses, you both deserve better sleep, healthier bodies, and more connection. 

Check out Leah Kaylor’s upcoming book, The Sleep Advantage, a guide written specifically for first responders that includes problem-solving tips for sleep hygiene, nightmares, shift work, and more. 

Improving your sleep isn’t just about closing your eyes; it’s about improving your life. Let’s stop normalizing exhaustion and start promoting rest as a form of resilience. 

A Challenge for You

To learn more about improving your relationship, check out my book, Hold the Line: The Essential Guide to Protecting Your Law Enforcement Relationship, available wherever books are sold.