What is the best way to make it through when you both have bad days?
Ideally, officers coming home would be able to have 20 to 30 minutes to decompress before engaging with the family, but we all know that sometimes that’s just not realistic. Your spouse has a life, a full -time job, manages the household and when you’re not there, your family has their own business and their own chaos. Heck, maybe the officer parent is the parent who’s doing all the parent pickups or bath time, or maybe your spouse travels for work. Real life dictates that as a couple, you’re not always going to be able to put the officer’s need to decompress ahead of life. Real life dictates that you will have days when both of your worlds feel like chaos, have heaps of stress, and just feel like a sh*t show.
This can lead couples to disengage and argue. What is the best way to make it through when you both have dumpster fire days? How do you hold space for your officer or your partner when you need that support too?
Sometimes life feels like a full-blown dumpster fire. One of those days where anything that could go wrong, DID! Then you realize your partner’s day wasn’t the same stress but also a dumpster fire. In law enforcement relationships, these “dumpster fire days” can strain even the strongest couples. When you know how to navigate it, you can tackle the chaos together instead of letting it divide you.
The Unique Stress of Law Enforcement Families
Both officers and their spouses face unique challenges. Both partners carry the weight of their day, from high-stakes decision-making, physical activity, hypervigilance, administrative stress, or managing home. Picture it, the kids are sick, you have both had a stressful day at work, the house is a mess, and everyone is tired. The result? A collision of stress that leaves both partners feeling unsupported and misunderstood.
Stress is different for everyone. Officers face life-or-death decisions on the job, while spouses may also be officers or juggling their careers, household responsibilities, and family needs. Maybe your spouse has been running the household the past couple of days due to sleep schedules. All come with intense stress, just in different ways. This mismatch can lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and disconnection.
Officers are conditioned to “fix it,” take control, and solve problems on the spot, but that approach can backfire at home. Instead of feeling supported, a spouse might feel dismissed or invalidated. On the flip side, a spouse’s attempt to “fix” the officer’s problems might come across as emasculating or undermining. It’s a vicious cycle that can spiral out of control if left unchecked.
The Problem: When Stress Collides, Connection Fades

In law enforcement marriages, stress can collide in different ways. When both partners are overwhelmed, the temptation is to either compete over who’s had the worst day (“You think your day was bad? Let me tell you about mine…”) or shut down entirely. For example, an officer might come home frustrated after a shift dealing with an angry supervisor or a chaotic scene, expecting some downtime, only to find that their spouse is juggling a work deadline while trying to calm sick kids. The officer might think, “THIS is your stress,” while the spouse feels underappreciated, thinking, “You don’t get what I go through every day.” Neither option fosters connection nor trust. Instead, it creates emotional distance at a time when you need each other the most.
The hypervigilance and exhaustion that come with law enforcement work don’t help either. Authoritarian spillover could result in an officer barking orders. Hypovigilanace, or the downside of hypervigilance, may result in the officer being emotionally flat or retreating into their phone to decompress. Meanwhile, the spouse, who has spent the day managing household chaos or attending a child’s school event alone, might feel ignored and disconnected. Without intentional effort, these moments of stress can spiral, leading to arguments, resentment, and both partners feeling alone in their struggle, even though they’re in the same relationship.
How do you get through stressful days as a law enforcement couple?
How do you get through those dumpster fire days without letting them burn down your relationship? It starts with a mindset shift, communication, a game plan, and lots of compassion for each other.
Here is my recommendation. It’s a six-step approach to handle the chaos together:
- Acknowledge the Situation (2 Minutes)
Start by recognizing that you’re both having a rough day. A quick one- to two-minute debrief can set the tone. For example, “I had to crawl through a sewage-filled tunnel today,” or “The kids have been sick, and I’m running on fumes,” or “My boss was a total jerk today and doesn’t understand the pressure I’m under.” Sharing the facts (without judgment) helps you understand each other’s perspective.
- Prioritize Being a Team (30 seconds)
Remind each other that you’re in this together. A quick physical connection, like a 10-second kiss or a 30-second hug, can work wonders. Science shows that this kind of physical touch signals your body to relax and reconnect.
- Triage the Situation (3 Minutes)
Identify the most urgent needs. This might be difficult since you are both tired or stressed. Remember, triage is about critical needs first and deciding what can wait. Sometimes, that means things will be a little messier than you like. Is someone starving? Does the officer need a shower after a long shift? Are the kids melting down? Do you both need to get your head right for five minutes? Addressing immediate priorities helps create some breathing room.
- Create a Quick Game Plan (1 Minute)
Decide how to tackle the chaos as a team. Maybe one of you handles the kids while the other takes a moment to decompress and then you switch. Or divide tasks based on your individual strengths. For example, one of you handles the food prep while the other handles picking up and organizing. The key is working with each other, not against.
- Practice Realistic Optimism
Realistic Optimism has three principles. Accept the reality of the situation, believe you’ll get through it, and focus on what you can control. This approach, known as the Stockdale Paradox, can shift your perspective and help you stay grounded in the moment. The reality is that things are tough, stressful, chaotic, or whatever it is at the moment. You will and can make it through. It’s helpful to say, “We just have to make it until ________. “ The last step of jumping into action with a plan helps your brain to feel that you have control and focus less on the overwhelm.
- Tug the Wire
“Tugging the wire” is a way to gently let each other know that you are in it together and in it to win it! It is a concept borrowed from prisoners of war in Vietnam who found ways to silently support each other, like pulling on a tiny shared wire between cells to signal, “You’re not alone.” This could be as simple as bringing your partner a glass of water, a back rub, or even a kind word in your relationship. These small gestures reinforce your connection and remind you you’re a team and not loose hope.
Real-Life Examples of Connection
Here’s how these steps might look in action:
- After a long shift, the officer texts a fire emoji to their spouse to signal a rough day and receives a poop emoji back. You know it’s been a rough day for the both of you!
- When they get home, they greet each other and do a quick debrief of the day, including sick kids, all of whom are wiped out and cranky. The officer shares that they had a chase that took them through a sewer tunnel, and they stink.
- Both of you share a moment. You skip the hug and the kiss because your officer DOES stink and does not want to share whatever funk is still on the uniform. Instead, you share a meaningful look and say, “I love you. We got this.”
- The game plan is for the officer to have a QUICK shower, put clothes in the wash, and then come help with bath and bedtime. You agree that 5 minutes should be plenty to shower. The spouse preps bath water for the kids and starts the process. The officer comes to help with the kids, and now that they are clean, squeeze in a quick 10-second kiss. Together you get it down and relax.
- Give each other a high five for making it through and crash. If you have it in you, take the time to talk in more detail about the chaos of the day. Don’t forget to validate each other and avoid comparing who had it worst.
The Payoff: Emotional Safety and Trust
When you tackle dumpster fire days as a team, you build trust and emotional safety in your relationship. You create a space where both partners feel seen, heard, and supported. Over time, these moments of connection strengthen your bond, making you more resilient as a couple.
The next time life throws you a dumpster fire, remember: You’re in it together. With a little planning, patience, and teamwork, you can turn even the worst days into opportunities to grow closer.
A Challenge for You
Ready to deepen your connection? Take the 14-day appreciation challenge! This free resource provides daily prompts designed to make gratitude a simple and meaningful habit. Download it at Code4Couples.com/appreciation.
To learn more about improving your relationship, check out my book, Hold the Line: The Essential Guide to Protecting Your Law Enforcement Relationship, available wherever books are sold.