My husband and I often have struggles, frustrations, and miscommunication. When we’re talking, we may miss what the other person is wanting or needing in order to connect. Many times, I want to go deeper into something, and he tells me there’s not anything deeper to be said. He will sometimes make what I think is a controversial statement and my response is to kind of roll my eyes. What I didn’t know until this interview is that we’re trying to connect in a way that’s typical for our gender and the way we’re cultured. In the limited time we have as law enforcement couples, it’s always beneficial to see the signs that your spouse is trying to connect.
Effective communication is vital in any relationship, and this is especially true for first responders who face unique challenges and stressors. Kristal DeSantis talks about the concept of the four positions of conversation which can greatly enhance communication and strengthen relationships among first responders and their partners. The four positions highlight the importance of emotional connection and the differences in communication between men and women. By understanding and utilizing these four positions, first responders and their partners can foster trust, empathy, and a deeper, stronger connection.
Before diving into the positions of conversation, it is important to understand the four S’s of building trust and safety in order to strengthen the connection in a relationship. Last week, Kristal discussed the four S’s at length. To find out more listen here: Episode 111.
The first step in strengthening communication and building connection is to normalize human emotions as part of your daily experiences! Once couples understand this concept, the four positions, types, or styles of communication can be implemented to avoid conflict and maximize your connection in your relationship. In this article, we are going to call these positions.
The Four Positions of Communication
Listening: Hearing the Words and Inviting Expression
The first position of conversation is listening, which involves actively paying attention to your partner. The goal in this position is to let your partner know that you hear them by making encouraging noises and repeating back what you are hearing. By simply being present and inviting them to express themselves, the message you’re sending them is, “I hear you, tell me more”. NOT that you are listening for the sole purpose of fixing a problem. This position allows for venting and sharing experiences without the expectation of an immediate solution.
Joining: Expressing Empathy and Understanding
The second position of conversation is joining, where empathy and understanding become the focus. In this position, strive to connect with your partner emotionally and convey that you understand their feeling. Joining requires coming together and active participation in the emotional experience of your partner by showing and using empathy phrases. This can be difficult for men because they have been conditioned to provide solutions as a way of understanding and connecting. Women offer empathy immediately because they have been socialized to do so to have a connection. This step will take some practice for men, but by sharing emotions and expressing empathy, you deepen the connection and demonstrate your support.
Fixing: Providing Solutions and Problem-Solving
The third position of conversation is fixing. This involves offering solutions and engaging in problem-solving. This step will be easier for men, especially first responders, due to their desire to obtain the facts to solve a problem. While the previous positions focused on emotional connection, fixing shifts the conversation toward finding practical solutions to deepen the connection. In this position, it’s important to ask your partner if they want your advice or assistance before jumping into problem-solving mode. By clarifying their needs, you can ensure your efforts align with their expectations.
Debating: Playing Devil’s Advocate
The fourth and final position of conversation is debating and playing devil’s advocate. This is another position that will come easier for men than women. Whether it’s politics, car parts, or their favorite beer, men communicate to debate, not to vent or to form a stronger bond. Spouses need to understand that at times, men communicate in a debating manner not to create conflict, but because this is how they naturally connect with others.
The four positions of conversation offer a framework and common language for navigating communication and enhancing trust and connection in first responder relationships. By understanding the differences in communication styles between men and women, and recognizing the importance of emotional connection, first responders and their partners can build stronger bonds. Applying these positions during conversations allows for a more harmonious and effective exchange of thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and first responder relationships are no exception. The four positions of conversation provide a roadmap for understanding and engaging with your partner on a deeper level. By embracing active listening, empathy, problem-solving, and support, first responders can enhance their relationships, foster trust, and strengthen emotional connections. Remember, effective communication is a skill that can be developed and refined, and it is an essential ingredient for building healthy and resilient relationships in the face of the unique challenges that first responders encounter.
Kristal DeSantis is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist who focuses on first responders. She is a certified clinical trauma professional and the founder and director of Austin Strong Relationship Building Center. She is a First responder spouse who has been married for 13 years to a fire captain.
Strong, A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man.
